COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD

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THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR CHILD 

Once the necessities of food, shelter, clothing and water are provided, building a positive and productive relationship developed through strong communication with your child is the most important thing you will do for him. What makes the job of parenting so challenging is that as the child matures your relationship and communication must adjust accordingly. Your relationship, with your child, needs to be influenced by the developmental stage of your child. This means that you need to be constantly attuned to the subtle shifts in his development so that you can adjust your relationship accordingly. Like all skills this one will have to be consciously developed and practiced until it becomes part of your intuitive response.

In order to know and respond to the ever evolving needs of the child you will need to spend time with the child and carefully listen to the child. This has gotten harder and harder for parents to do, with both parents working and so many tempting distractions. This means that parents have to work harder than ever to make this happen and to spend enough time with their children to make sure it does.

It is also important to be aware of the quality of the attention you are giving your child. He needs to know that you are not only listening but hearing. This means that listening is the only thing you are doing. If you are distracted or doing other things at the same time you are listening to your child then the quality of the communication is diminished and your child may be getting the message that what he has to say is not important. Make the time to give your child your undivided attention and it will pay dividends long into the future.

If this investment of time is made and you develop the skills, needed to build a strong relationship, this will make the remaining years of child rearing much more managable and give you enjoyment beyond words. 

If you cannot communicate effectively with your child it is not possible to influence his development in a positive way as he grows older.  A strong parent child relationship built at this time will  have influences far into the future.  In his book They F**** You Up the psychologist Oliver James talks about how his relationship with his father continued to influence him in his early adulthood:

“Many parents have tried to cajole, bribe. And otherwise persuade their sons to work harder, but without success.  My father succeeded because he had real purchase with me, having been unstintingly enthusiastic and encouraging throughout. He was a very tactile person who offered hugs and affection liberally. Although he occasionally lost his temper completely, for the most part he was not a frightening presence. I believed that I complied with his aspirations for me not out of fear but out of a sense of obligation and love for a kind man.” (Oliver)

What is of significance here is Mr. James’ decision to comply with his fathers wishes, even after childhood, were motivated by the kind of relationship he had with his dad as a child. It was a relationship clearly built over time and based on a mutual respect that does not happen by coincidence. Mr. James' impression of his father as a "kind man" was developed over many years.

Establishing this kind of relationship with your child is also the only way you can influence a child once his peers have become the driving force in his life. The time you spend weaving a relationship in his early years will determine how much influence you have in later years.

Mr. James was able to influence his son’s decision, long after he had left home, simply by asking.  This worked only because his father had, through strong communication, over the years, built a relationship that gave his words credibility, long after his son had moved from home. Parents who do not take the time to establish a mutually trusting and respectful means of communications with their children find themselves pained by the decisions their children make and by their inability to communicate with them in a way that the child can hear them.

One of the more frequent concerns that I hear from parents, of middle school and high school children, is there feeling of helplessness when it comes to connecting their child ; “No matter what I say he just doesn’t listen. I don’t know how to get him to see that he is ruining his chances in life.”  This is a difficult situation to deal with since the fabric of that parent child relationship, woven years in the past, apparently did not have much mutual trust or respect built into the weave. Now that the child’s life has moved into a new orbit far from the family, where peers rule, it becomes very difficult to weave new qualities into the relationship. In fact beyond the age of thirteen or so if you haven’t developed the relationship you want your child you may have missed your opportunity to do so.

I say this not to discourage the parents of older children from trying because with considerable effort it can be done but it requires outside support and an amazing will to effect this change. The best time to do it is when the child is developing his attitudes, self image, values and trust. Mr. James described so very accurately what a parent needs to do in order to develop this relationship  "My father succeeded because he had real purchase with me, having been unstintingly enthusiastic and encouraging throughout."

If you want to have "purchase" or influence with your child as he grows older your support of him needs to be "unstintingly enthusiastic and encouraging throughout." The key word is throughout. You have to provide your support from the very beginning right through to adult hood. 

Do this and you will have the kind of purchase you need to influence your child to make the right decisions right through his adulthood.